“If I become president, we’re all going to be saying ‘Merry Christmas’ again.”
– Donald Trump / The Hero Christmas Deserves
For me, the moment Halloween ends, the Christmas season has begun. I’m not an observer of Thanksgiving for many reasons. This earns me a lot of flack from those who see Christmas as equally shitty, but I cannot resist its siren song. Christmas begins creeping into my mind come September 11, because A) I never forget, and B) thinking about winter makes the balmy-ass Southern California fall much easier for my fat tits to handle. Now, I’ll be the first to acknowledge that September is far too early in the year to start decorating, but Christmas—that little minx—is still on my mind.
When the first of November comes along, I rush to throw away my miniature decorative pumpkin, pilfer the Rite Aid candy aisle for bargain pumpkin-shaped peanut butter cups, and begin deciding what gifts to give my hardest-to-shop-for family members. K-Cups for mother. A bald eagle shirt, or a gun, or a bald eagle firing a gun engraved on a large hunting knife for my stepdad. A Kohl’s gift card for grandmother. And anything for my brother as long as he can’t sell it the next day for weed money.
But, what do I get in return? I play music and do graphic design work, so I end up getting something my family thinks is relevant to my interests—like a coffee mug with the silhouette of a guitar on it or an iTunes gift card. Meaning I now have either a new pen holder or a worthless chunk of plastic, because I’m not in a hurry to give Apple anymore of my goddamn money, because YOU SONS OF BITCHES DON’T MAKE AN APPLE WATCH FOR PEOPLE WITH CURVY WRISTS WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, but I digress.
So, what do you get your alt-metal-punk-indie-goth-hipsterfolk lovin’ family member? What gift may actually earn you the best present of all: a genuine smile, instead of “Oh thank you, an Axe Body Spray gift set, just what I wanted” obligatory fake gratitude? Here are a few Christmas gifts to please those who long for more than a regrettable “I Pooped Today” graphic tee from Sears.
THE HOTEL BLANKET from Middle Of Beyond
FOR: The weird cousin who has four copies of C.H.U.D. on VHS
For your loved one who loves horror—or just loves Stanley Kubrick—this comfy blanket modeled after the hallway carpeting of the Overlook Hotel is pretty much perfect. If it turns out they don’t like The Shining, the throwback pattern is cool enough to stand on its own even without the nostalgia. Middle Of Beyond also offers actual rugs in this pattern—as well as some pillows and shit—but it’s winter and it’s cold and why the fuck would you buy someone a rug for the holidays? That’s whack.
CHRISTMAS FARREN PUNK LEGEND SWEATER
FOR: Fans of designers such as Dan Ozzi, Marc Jacobs, and his Floridian cousin Mark JayBobz
I fucking love Black Flag tributes. I’m not even joking. In fact, when this kind of silly shit makes people upset, I tend to love it even more. This sweet crewneck—designed by international fashion designer Dan Ozzi—is a gift that caters to a pretty specific demographic, so do your due diligence in advance. But, if you’ve got a Fake Problems, Chris Farren, and/or Antarctico Vespucigichchichi fan in your fam, they’ve gotta have this. No excuses. For the price of one crewneck, you get four Santa Farrens. This deal is unreal! Why do you need this? Because it’s Christmas and you’re a fucking winner.
WENDIGO TEA AND TEA ACCESSORIES
For: Your hip-ass sibling who reads (insert hip author here… I dunno, Melville?)
Keymaster Sky White of Cinci’s own Foxy Shazam has my heart for a few reasons. Firstly, if you integrate cryptids into your business model, I will buy two of everything you make and tell everyone about it on the Internet. Secondly, I’m a fan of good iced tea. The tea connoisseur in your life needs these cannibal inspired sips to round out their collection. Not only are you supporting small American business, you’re also helping a musician make a living. So, if you love tea or Sasquatch or long ass beards, Sky has the tea for you… or for your weird, hipster sibling who probably already bought some weeks ago. In that case, a refill couldn’t hurt!
ROCKABYE BABY! LULLABY RENDITIONS OF RUSH
FOR: Chill-ass babies
Did one of your family members squirt out a kiddo this fall? Awesome! Congratulations! Be the rad relative who gets them into Canada’s—nay, the world’s greatest power trio: RUSH. Play this through their little baby iPhones and teach them the indelibly classic melodies of “Working Man,” “The Spirit of the Radio,” and “Limelight.” RUSH is obviously the band every baby should hear first, but Rockabye Baby! makes a buttload of these lullaby-ified records, featuring bands such as Metallica, Weezer, AC/DC, Foo Fighters, Sabbath, Bowie, Van Halen… The list just keeps going. Once Rockabye Baby! Lullaby Renditions of Discharge drops, I’ll know it’s finally time to procreate.
ANTHRAX HANUKKAH SWEATSHIRT
FOR: Your Jewish metalhead friend
The holidays are a time for inclusivity and togetherness, so for any heshers in your life who prefer the Menorah to the Fir tree, the good folks at Rockabilia have got them covered. Your Jewish metalhead friend will fucking platz over this sweet Anthrax Hanukkah sweater! We all know Hanukkah is just as crucial as Christmas—and blue is a great color—so even if the devout Anthrax fan in your life is a Gentile, just tell ‘em to say screw it and wear it anyway!
LORD OF THE RINGS HELM OF SAURON WITH STAND from United Cutlery
Nobody else wants this, so buy it for me. Seriously. Email me at Goose@NewNoiseMagazine.com, and I’ll give you my address.
PS: I wouldn’t be upset if you got me the matching Sauron gauntlets, okay thaaanks!
This wraps up part 1 of our 2 part series. Watch for the second installment in the coming weeks as we creep closer and closer to the coolest holiday of the year! Stay chill.