It’s awesome when people start bands purely for the sake of taking a joke too far. Usually they’re just ideas that people laugh about with their friends for 10 seconds, but it takes some genuine misplaced motivation to make stupid things real, and I for one, respect that. Which means I totally respect myself for making this list… Here are some grindcore bands that took shit to the next level of nonsense. You’re welcome.

Puig Destroyer

Formed by members of Kowloon Walled City, Curl Up & Die, and Thrice, Puig Destroyer is a baseball themed grindcore band. The name is a mix of the baseball player Yaisel Puig, and the grindcore band Pig Destroyer. For some reason this band sparks a tickle in me even though I don’t care at all about sports, because baseball is just so goddamn boring and slow. It’s an artful contrast that I actually know for a fact was unintentional, so now I will stop being pretentious. I highly recommend playing this unreasonably loud at your next tailgate party outside of the stadium on game day while everyone else celebrates each other’s goatees with Budweiser, brats, and Papa Roach, or Disturbed, or whatever sports fans are into these days.

CAGE Grind Noire

CGN are uhm, well… Nicholas Cage themed. I don’t know if it’s because they love him so much they have to scream about it, or if they hate him so much they have to blast beat about him, or if they think he’s so unexceptional he deserves a band in his name. Or they just themed it after whatever was right in front of them at the time. Who knows, but either way, hopefully you weren’t trying to start a band about him with your friends already… because it’s already been done.  And let me just say, I respect the lyrical effort it takes to write songs about Nick Cage, because all I can muster up to say about him is: “Well… he’s sort of ok sometimes I guess…” And those lyrics does not a good song make.  I don’t know how Mark Steven Johnson (or Mark Steve John for short LOL) looked passed this during the soundtrack development for Ghost Rider. I definitely like this band way more than I like that movie… And its fucking Mozart compared to National Treasure

Hatebeak

For the most part, Hatebeak are just a regular grindcore band. They don’t have a silly theme, they don’t dress funny, and they don’t rule. Now here is the part where I catch your attention… Their singer is a parrot. More specifically, a Congo African Grey Parrot named Waldo, who is actually credited as a co-founder. And for that, they deserve eternal fame, a solid gold plaque in the EPA headquarters, and the hearts of all metalheads with a soft spot for animals. I know at least a few of you bald headed, size 40 camo shorts wearing, combat boot stomping, camping knife strapped Pantera trolls just caught yourselves wide eyed with your hands on your heart. It’s ok. Shed a single tear. Embrace it.

Bum Sick

The product of beans, cheese, and anger, Bum Sick, a UK grind project, revolves around the aesthetic of (*drum rolllllll*) Butts, farts, and poop! Bum Sick’s music uses no conventional vocals, and instead uses 100% fart noises.  It’s kind of what I imagine grandparents hear when they listen to anything heavier than The Beatles. They have one full-length album, aptly titled Smelly Noise. I wonder if anyone has ever listened to this band twice. I am pleasantly relieved that they don’t have any music videos, because I would have inevitably watched them and regretted it.

2 Comments

  1. You are the reason nerds always have & always will get beaten up…nothing worse than a sarcastic nerd who thinks he’s smarter than everyone else…I know for a fact you would never say shit to a Pantera fan to his face

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