Intruder Blue fields the first week of questions!

Ask The Mask here:

ADT Home Security, how do you get past that shit? There’s this girl I want to sneak in her room and watch her sleep, and I’m not a super sparkly vampire so I have to jimmy the door. I see she has an ADT sign in her yard and would love for some advice.
Thanks dudes. – Marc

Hey Marc! That’s a tough one. The thing about home security systems is that they make a whole lot of noise and attract the cops when you try to break in. They’re super annoying and, in our opinion, rude. If people knew how startling and unsettling it is to be greeted by a burglar alarm, they would probably rethink installing them in the first place. Unfortunately, homeowners rarely pause to consider things from the point of view of a potential robber. The prevalence of burglar alarms reflects the general intolerance for those of us who allegedly make a living by stealing and pawning the valuables of others. Hopefully, over time, people will get over themselves and stop acting so entitled to their possessions. For the time being, though, burglar alarms are a fact of life.

So, the first thing you should know is that you can’t really get around setting off the alarm. If you are just trying to grab a quick Xbox 360 and maybe something out of the fridge, you can always just try to ignore the alarm, grab what you need, and get out before the coppers show up. In your case, that won’t work, since you want to actually watch this girl sleep. So, here’s the thing about that: it’s super creepy and you shouldn’t do it. Haven’t you ever seen Paranormal Activity? I’m getting the heebie jeebies just thinking about it! Also, as a general rule, never break into your crush’s house. It’s gonna pretty much ruin any chance you have with her. If you really like this girl, find a house with no ADT and steal her something nice, like some perfume or a sandwich or something. Alright? Cool.

Hi. I’m a young twenty-something-year-old chef who carries around knifes because of my job. How can I use this to my advantage to charm the ladies? – Mike R.

Good question, Mike! As I guess you know, we have a lyric about this very thing in our song “How Do I Get to You?”. The lyric is “you just can’t charm a lady with a knife.” Now, I see this as sort of a modern version of the old saying about catching more flies with honey. What I mean is just that the life skills that we have developed as alleged criminals aren’t applicable when it comes to charming women. Now, since you are a chef, and not an alleged criminal, you should be fine! I have seen chefs on television, and it’s pretty impressive to watch you guys chop stuff. Plus, your hats are pretty snazzy. Women like delicious food just as much as dudes, so I would recommend using your knife skills to make your girl a nice dinner. Or, maybe a brunch type thing. Brunch is classy as shit. Or, if you wanna go another way, you could always rob somebody and use the cash to buy something nice for your girl. If you go this route, you’re gonna wanna use a special knife trick called “brandishing.” They don’t teach you this shit in chef school, do they, homeboy?

I have a pretty bad case of unrequited love with my best friend. I know his feelings for me are pretty platonic, but knowing that fact makes it’s so agonizing. He knew of my feelings before, but he thinks that now I’m getting over it, which I made him believe to preserve the comfortable presence of our friendship. It doesn’t really help my cause though. I don’t find anyone as interesting as him. What should I do oh great wisdom givers?! – Karlene

That’s a really tough one, Karlene. First off, let me just say that I feel for you and know where you are coming from. Unrequited love can make you feel like someone poured hot sauce in your heart’s eyes. It seems like you have your basic damned if you do damned if you don’t situation here. On the one hand, if you pretend not to love him so you can still hang out, you’re gonna have to get used to the heart ache of longing to make out with this dude. On the other hand, if you tell him the truth, he will push you away and you’ll end up missing him so bad you can’t stand it. The thing is, hearts don’t play fair, and it sucks, and then you die. The best advice I can give you is: never give up. A lot of people might say that pining over somebody that doesn’t love you back and refusing to move on is pathetic. Obviously, those people have never seen any romantic comedies from the 80s or 90s. And, if you do decide to move on, come to one of our shows and we’ll make out with you for sure!

My question is simple. Is it morally wrong to save sexy pictures of your crushes that they post on FB and keep them in a neatly organized folder system that gets regularly updated to the cloud so you can masturbate anywhere? – Tyler

No, Tyler, I don’t think it’s morally wrong to masturbate to sexy pictures of your crushes. It’s really the “anywhere” part that will get you into trouble. There are plenty of places you definitely shouldn’t masturbate. Like, for example, a funeral. Oh, or like a public park. Or an amusement park, like on a roller coaster or something. Also, don’t masturbate on the bus. I saw a hobo doing that one time, and it really bummed everybody out. You get the idea – it’s probably better to keep it to your parent’s basement. Anywhoozle, happy jerking, weirdo!

Where is the clitarus? – Wade

There are some questions which are just better suited for advice columns then for google. This is definitely not one of them. Tell you what, though, if you are having sex with a girl (congratulations!), you can ask her questions about her body. She might even be stoked that you care enough to ask. Then again, if you come out of the gate with basic anatomy questions, she might ask you to take your penis elsewhere. So, we’re back to google. Cool? Cool.

Hey guys I need your help. I met a girl online an we hit it off, then I found out she lives 39 miles from me so I blew her off. After a few weeks went by I realized I made a big mistake. Now I want her back, but now she’s blowing me off!!! What do I Do??? – Joseph Espinoza

Oof. What you got here is a classic case of ‘blowing it.’ You see, you blew it, and now you’re soaking up the failure like a sponge with loser written on it. Sucks, right? What you oughta do is try to fix your mistake. When you blew her off, she probably got the impression that she didn’t seem that special to you. Which, I gotta say, seems like the right impression. I mean, 39 miles? Is it uphill the whole way? Are there cobras everywhere where you live and you can’t afford shoes or jeans or a car or a bike or a bus ticket? Come on, dude! But, yeah, you have to show her that she really is special to you. The thing is, you’re gonna have to go big, on account of the fact that you blew it right off the bat. One thing you could do is show up at her house really late at night to sing her love songs and not stop even when the cops show up. Or, you could build her a shrine. Nothing says, “I think you’re the bee’s knees” like creepy obsession. Good luck, Joe! Can I call you Joe? Thanks, Joe!

Ask The Mask here:



  1. JohnnyFresh Reply

    “If people knew how startling and unsettling it is to be greeted by a burglar alarm, they would probably rethink installing them in the first place.”

    shyamalan level twist right here. goddamn.

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