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Is there a better way to ask a dude out than drunk texting him at 3 am in all caps asking if he wants to come over and listen to records? Or am I doing something wrong here?

Hashtagged Out

Hey hashtagged! That seems like a perfectly good way to lure a dude over to your place for what kids these days call “a booty call.” I wouldn’t say it’s much of a way to ask a dude out, since you aren’t really going out at all. Not that there are many places to go on a date at 3 am. I mean, there’s always the alley, but that’s not usually very romantic. I say ‘usually’ because there are a few exceptions. Like in that one movie, when those dogs were eating spaghetti, and they were both slurping the same noodle, so they ended up kissing. I’m pretty sure that was in an alley, and that was definitely romantic as all get out. So, yeah, maybe try drunk texting him and asking if he wants to share a romantic candle lit spaghetti dinner by a dumpster. Happy dating!

I continue to try and convince my lady friend to allow me to enter her darkest of spots, yet I keep getting stonewalled because “I’ve heard horror stories,” or “It seems like it wouldn’t be fun for me.” How do
I get her to let loose and let me inside her final frontier? –Jeff Lilla

Hiya, Jeff! As far as I can tell, you are either talking about trying to get your girlfriend to do anal sex, or trying to get her to let you invade her soul with voodoo or something. If you are talking about butt stuff, you might consider putting her at ease by letting her do it to you first. You know, like with a strap on, or a broom handle or something. I’ve seen that type of stuff done on the internet. It’s weird. But, it might work. And, maybe you will be into it. Or, maybe not – I’ve heard horror stories. Bottom line, if she isn’t into it, she definitely won’t enjoy it. As a dude that has spent some time in prison, I can tell you that unwanted anal sex is no fun at all. It can really put a damper on your day. Could be that, even if she ends up trying it, she will hate it and it will never become part of your bedroom routine. So, you’re gonna have to face up to the fact that this may be something she just isn’t willing to do. If you are talking about the other thing, I don’t know what to tell you. Just please don’t voodoo curse me. Party on!

So, I was seeing this dude recently; spending a lot of money on gas, driving 100+ miles a weekend to visit, meeting family members, etc. After a while, dude started getting weird– i.e. inviting me to your show in RVA, taking me out to dinner, letting me wear his sweaty punk dude sweatshirt, introducing me to friends, and shortly thereafter telling me he just wasn’t committed to what I wanted. Dude was too busy riding bikes to let a lady make him delicious baked goods and hang out in bed all weekend. Obviously, I’m all broke up since we broke apart and I know he hasn’t given it another thought, so tell me: how do I stop myself from wishing he was mine?

Yours in Unrequited Love,

What’s up, Elise?! I totally sympathize with your situation here. It’s a real bummer when someone pulls a 180 like that. I mean, what gives? Right?! There’s no telling for sure why this dude turned his heart away, so all you can do is focus on how you respond. You basically have two options here. Option one is to try and move on. A lot of people will tell you that this is the best option, since this dude is a flake. But, if you believe in love like I do, you may want to go with plan b: don’t move on. I figure, if you show this guy that you will never, ever give up, he’s gotta come around at some point. Right? What you wanna do is come on as strong as possible. You might try writing him a letter telling him how much you love him. To really drive the point home, put some romantic stuff in the envelope with the letter, like pictures that you took of him from a distance. For maximum effect, find a creative way to deliver the letter. Like, wrap it around a romantic brick and throw it through his bedroom window while he’s sleeping. Just make sure not to hit him with the brick. No matter how romantic the gesture, head injuries are a real turn off. Best of luck!

You guys cause some serious lady boners! The Masks and Doo-wop thing do it for us! How do you propose us ladies handle ourselves at one of your shows? Have you ever thought of performing in just your masks? I must add, we are all very grateful for that babe with a badge Officer Bradford. Also how do I get to Yellow? (aka Orange) He’s a mega babe ughh ;) – Jess

Holy Cannoli! This would be great to hear if it weren’t for the fact that you are obviously an undercover cop! Ladies don’t get boners, piggy. Nice try! I’m gonna answer your questions, even though you’re a cop, since I’m a nice guy. No, we have never considered playing in just our masks. That would be really embarrassing, like those nightmares we all used to have about going to school wearing nothing but a ski mask. Plus, as a pop punk band, we are morally opposed to playing without jeans and high tops. How do you get to Yellow? Well, most cops chase him down and then tackle or taze him. Happy donut munching, Jess the cop!

Intruders! I recently left a year-long relationship, during which I realized that I’m more comfortable having multiple partners and being a lot more open about my sexual endeavors. Now I’m travelling the country and trying to figure out where I stand with having partners all across the East Coast. I’m trying to rekindle interest with an old flame, who is much more “traditional,” while simultaneously still being sweet with my most recent ex (though it’s incredibly rocky at times), and also exploring other partners to varying degrees of success. I thought that this sort of openness might help me to keep my lovelife(s) new, interesting, and exciting. Instead, I feel like Ryan from OWTH, with all these questions about true happiness racing through my head. Is this polyamory stuff a hoax, or am I just doing it wrong? – Ducky

Interesting question, Ducky. I gotta admit, I don’t know much about how polyamory works. I have enough trouble with, uh, monoamory. Having somebody to love would be sweet, so I can only imagine that having several would be extra sweet. If you feel like Ryan from OWTH, though, it can’t be that awesome. I mean, that dude is more bummed than a minority at the Gathering of the Juggalos. Seeing as how getting one relationship going is tough, I can guess that getting several going at once would be really super extra tough. If you’re having a hard time, though, just remember that you are having a hard time because you are helping yourself to everything you want. It’s like a huge fat dude at Old Country Buffet, trying to eat eight helpings of mashed potatoes. Yeah, your guts are gonna hurt, fat dude, but you are the one that went for eight helpings of mashy taters. Know what I mean? So, to sum up, only eat as many potatoes as you can handle and, if you are a minority, don’t go to the Gathering of the Juggalos. Swing on, Ducky!

I really like this lady and I am not sure what to steal to win her heart? In your experiences, what are some good things to show a lady you really care? – Goldsmall

Good question, Goldsmall! The first thing to note is that not all ladies are the same. Ladies are just like snowflakes: each one likes different stolen goods. Like, some ladies might be really stoked if you stole them a shit load of Slim Jims, but some ladies are vegans. Vegans don’t eat Slim Jims, you see. Another example: some ladies might be really stoked if you steal them a sweet car, while other ladies will be like “That’s my car, idiot. Plus, you ran over my cat.” That one happened to me. Whoops! Best to play it safe and take some time to figure out what sort of things this lady likes, then boost her the stuff she’s stoked on. Pro tip: try not to steal her anything from her workplace, or any of her immediate family members. That one doesn’t usually go over very well. Oh, and if she’s vegan, please feel free to send us the Slim Jims! Get after it, Goldsmall!

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