By Tyler Gibson & Kelley O’Death
With everyone’s favorite summer festival announcing its initial lineup later today, we want to crush your dreams as quickly and painlessly as possible by listing ten of the much-anticipated bands that will definitely NOT be playing Warped Tour in 2015. Okay, guys, let’s just pull this band-aid off fast…
Exile
As much as Jimmy Stokley would love to grace the Mazda Protegè stage with his unique brand of “at some point Iggy Pop fucked E.T. and this is their lovechild” je ne sais quoi, we are pretty sure there just isn’t enough room for the metric fuck-ton of synth and glitter required to round out the full Exile experience. Plus, he’s dead. The following video is the closest you’ll get this year:
The Lawrence Arms
As singer Brendan Kelly explains, Larry arms “did like seven days of [Warped Tour] and we got kicked off it, banned for life” for “pointing out the obvious flaws of the Warped Tour, on stage, while the people running the Warped Tour were watching us.” It’s been 11 years, and tension between these warring factions is still high. Unfortunately, The Larry Arms are still not welcome.
Burzum
Metalheads of today want breakdowns and Frankie Palmeri in a nylon jacket, screaming about watching someone suck a dick. There’s just no room for the nostalgic scent of burnt churches in today’s metal scene, so once old Varg’s probation is up, he will have to look to other summer festivals to find a place where he is welcome. Does Stromfront.org host a music festival…? It’s almost a pity, though. It’d be interesting to let him loose near 3701 SW 12th St in Topeka, KS, and just see what develops…
Scatman John
It’s been 19 years since Scatman rode the top of the charts, and the youth have been revolting in the streets ever since. Warped Tour is always lacking something, but we could never put our finger on it until now. That missing piece is the elegant art of scatting. Maybe in 2016 – the 20 year anniversary of “I’m a Scatman” – our dreams will come true. For now, all we can do is… ZI BA BA DABOABOA DOH!
Rvivr
Because obvious moral grandstanding is obvious.
Reel Big Fish
Holy moley! It looks like the number of ska revival bands at Warped in 2015 will only barely be outnumbered by the festival’s trademark mountain of metalcore acts, making ska the second highest represented genre this year! Ska’s popularity is really picking up picking up picking up! But this victory is tainted by how completely this new generation of skankers has forgotten its roots. Rest assured, young rudeboys and girls, there may not be any “stupid horns” at this Warped Tour ska fest, but remember your history or you’re doomed to repeat it…
David Lee Roth
There’s only so much ego the stage at Warped Tour can contain before it spills out into the crowd and infects everyone. Plus, Diamond Dave has gained a solid 50 lbs since his first solo album, so signing him on would be disastrous for the distinguished Mr. Roth’s health. Administered in small doses, David Lee Roth is a great, family friendly summer attraction, but a full 30 minute set might smarm you so hard that only rescuing a shelter animal or building clinics in a small Ugandan village will cleanse your soul.
Garth Brooks
HE’S FUCKING BACK! And not that creepy lookalike Chris Gaines (what was up with that dude, anyway?), but the real American hero himself! Brooks is back, baby! But he’s not playing Warped Tour. The festival will, however, feature a Jumbotron playing an eternal loop of the viral videos he’s been shooting in hotel rooms across America (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OyGG0VMldg0). Be soothed by his soulful eyes and lilting voice, and don’t forget to pick up his new album Man Against Machine, available exclusively at your local Walmart.
Big Punisher (Hologram)
15 years after his death, it would be fitting for Warped Tour to pay tribute to the legendary Big Punisher with a 30 minute holographic set. But since fans are already complaining about skyrocketing ticket prices ($40 – after fees, mind you), every child’s dream of a holographic Big Punisher will be smashed by its prohibitively expensive reality. Our projections show that tickets could end up being almost $50! Fuck that noise! Holo-Pun ain’t a player, he just costs a lot, and it breaks our hearts that he won’t make it to this year’s Honda CRV stage.
As I Lay Dying
The insurance premiums are just too high, and there’s not enough room in those tour buses for a gym. Plus Lambesis is serving a hard six. These dudes are definitely benched until 2021.
Know other bands that won’t be making an appearance at Warped Tour? List them in the comments below.
