Dwarves Tour Diary: Pt. 2 – December 3 & 4

Punk legends The Dwarves are currently on tour, and their frontman, Blag Dahlia, took the time out of his busy schedule to share his feelings about life on the road. Check out the first installment of the Dwarves’ tour diary.

December 3- San Antonio at the Paper Tiger

San Antonio is an angry town. My Uber driver got mad at me for closing the door too hard, then spent the next 20 minutes telling me about all of the ways he has outsmarted cops, judges, other drivers, pedestrians, and pretty much anyone who isn’t him. I listened politely and gave an occasional grunt, eventually wishing that right near the club we got into an accident that proved fatal for him, but from which I emerged without a scratch.

When I arrived at the gig, several fans manhandled me to show that they loved the band, but were from San Antonio, hence, angry. I finally made it backstage where Mike from the Gamblers tried unsuccessfully to explain to me what he did for a living. I told him that working was a bad thing to do and he should quit immediately. It always worked for me, which is probably why I’m in San Antonio on a Sunday and everyone in the place is angry.

The show went well, with the Fresh Prince of Darkness modeling his new 20 gallon hat and chewing his face off from whatever the Oxys had plied him with before we went on. The audience was enthusiastic, if angry, and the fact that no actual violence broke out made this an exceptional San Antonio gig. The one shining moment in the evening was when I met Ella, a charming teenage Dwarves fan whose dad is serving time, ostensibly for playing his daughter our music.

She had a Dwarves shirt on that was too big for her and wore braces on her teeth, my favorite accessory, so I bought her a fajita while I enjoyed my first taste of corn in a cup. Surprisingly good, I predict this guy will put the other corn in a cup guy right out of business.

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Groovy people from bands that showed up included Fea, the only band San Antonio has produced since, well, ever.

December 4- Houston at the Last Concert Café

We were all dreading a Monday in Houston. I’m ancient enough to remember our first few epic shows in Houston, first at the Axiom with Henry “I’m Frowning Again” Rollins and then at the ORIGINAL Emo’s which, contrary to popular belief, was NOT located in Austin. But that was Houston then, where I once slept with a girl who had the word HELP carved into her arm after being put on hold by the Suicide Prevention Hotline.

This, of course, is now, and Houston hasn’t been a destination for us for quite some time. Imagine my surprise when I arrived to find a healthy Monday night crowd full of drunk smiling faces enjoying themselves as the Gamblers ripped through a shredding three guitar set, easily their best night so far featuring a truly epic ‘What’s What.’ My joy soon turned to sorrow when informed that guitarist Fadi wouldn’t be joining us for the rest of the tour. Aside from being a swell guy, he also makes a great repository for my inappropriate racial humor.

Before the show, a drunk woman came backstage, looked at me accusingly for a few moments, and then informed me that I had met her several times before and should know who she was by now. I didn’t know who she was, and she got offended and made a big show of leaving as we started our set, as though I cared. I didn’t. I meet hundreds of people on tour and have trouble remembering the ones I like and have shared experiences with; I can’t be expected to recall everybody, nor do I expect them to remember me. I’m old and have done a lot of drugs, so please, if you’re going to get offended when I forget you, just stay home.

The band was great as always and a different drunk woman with jiggling breasts danced in front of the stage all night pretending to sing along while mocking my facial gestures. Now that’s the kind of stupidity I enjoy! Groovy people from bands who showed up included Total Chaos, The Bronx, and Koffin Kats, one of whom wasn’t from New York, another of whom had no mohawk, and the other of whom was neither dead nor feline. These kooky punk bands can be very confusing. But not as confusing as our new record THE DWARVES CONCEPT ALBUM, so go out and buy it right now.

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Follow The Dwarves on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter to keep up with their latest antics.

Photo courtesy of Dwarves 

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