The Dwarves East Coast Tour Diary – By Blag
Mar 12 – New York, N.Y. – “The Daily Show”
New York City! Land of a million vaginas. Where else can you get a white chocolate crossbow and a mile of Persian carpet at 4 a.m.? It’s the city that never sleeps and by the smell of it, never washes the piss off itself. Now that liberalism has officially gone off the rails—see my rant on the hacking of our website by jihadists over at the New Noise Magazine website for more on that—there is only one organ of the Left I still subscribe to: that would be “The Daily Show.” I loved it then, I love it now, and fuck you if you don’t. So, I went to a live taping! (Thanks to Justin from WW9 for the invite.)
Rob Cordry was there hawking his show and Jordan Klepper did a funny bit on Hurricane Sandy survivors, but the real story is Jon Stewart. Now that he’s retiring, life as we know it will suck. Who else can openly mock the powers that be and the powers that wish they were every night for 17 years and still have everybody love him? The man is a national treasure. Even when I’m being nice, people think I’m a prick. (That’s probably why I’m playing 10 shows in nine days in a minivan!) Long Live “The Daily Show”!
Mar 13 – New York, N.Y. – Bowery Electric
And speaking of minivans, don’t ever rent from Dollar. We reserved a minivan and they tried to put the five of us into a sedan. “What’s the difference?” asked the meanest Rastafarian I’ve ever seen. Gee, Mr. Tosh, I don’t know. Maybe three seats and all of our merchandise? But thanks for your concern. Smoke another one and go back to sleep, asshole.
Bowery Electric is a great venue—Jesse Malin, punker for life!—and we were so good, I wanted to bronze us and make a statue for the pigeons to shit on. I still have a voice, because it’s the beginning of the tour, and the band sounds amazing. I am a lucky son of a bitch to get to play with these musicians, (but don’t mention that to them, they might want a raise).
This is a great version of the band: Chip Fracture on bass and “vocals,” The Fresh Prince Of Darkness on guitar, Dutch Ovens on drums, and the best looking man in show business—me—on vocals. Why does Chip get a “vocals” credit? Because every once in a while, he remembers the lyrics. (Hey, a lot of our songs have 10 words in them, sometimes more!) However, Chip is the official cute guy in the band, because he has one of those emo beards the youngsters can’t get enough of.
I saw an old friend from 6th grade who still reeked of the same cheap weed we first smoked together in 1978. Nostalgia is a wonderful thing, if you can remember anything. I can’t. Of course, he has a wife, kids, and a job—all things that have eluded me. Then, someone spit a huge loogie on me near the end of the show, which made me want to puke. Perhaps this explains why I haven’t listened to a punk record for the last 25 years? (That and the fact that every other punk band besides us really sucks.)
Mar 14 – Cambridge, Mass. – The Middle East (Early)
The Fresh Prince Of Darkness had the bright idea to do two shows in one night. What could go wrong? The Middle East has been hosting Dwarves shows for over 20 years now, but they still make the worst falafels in America. (At our age, food takes on an importance that sex had before we fossilized.) Dan M. promoted the show, and we spent the evening talking about African tribeswomen with plates in their lips. Apparently, the blowjobs are amazing!
The Atom Age was on the bill, a young garage band with a dynamite fashion sense and an old Farfisa organ. They rocked and rolled, in that order. And some of them are even cute. I suggested they put those guys up front, but they didn’t seem to appreciate that comment. Touchy bastards!
One young fan asked for a ride to Providence to see the second show, but when I explained what she’d have to do and who she’d have to do it with, she declined. Kids today!
Mar 14 – Providence, R.I. – Firehouse 13 (Late)
Two shows in one day is always tough. When you’re approaching 70, it’s even tougher. I felt a cold coming on and looked around for cocaine to use as a decongestant. The Skinny Millionaires opened the show and what they lack in musicianship, they made up for in… cocaine. I love this band!
Mar 15 – Atlantic City, N.J. – The Boneyard
Paul the promoter was great; what a sweetheart. He’s determined to make Atlantic City a place to see shows. I explained that it was in New Jersey, but he’s adamant. The show was fun, but for some reason I can’t figure out, they have a big hole in the middle of the stage covered with carpeting. I stepped right in it and sprained my foot. If there are any young punkers left, I advise you to pursue EDM immediately. All the sluts are there and you don’t have to move around onstage.
Mar 16 – Wilmington, Del. – Mojo 13
Dutch Ovens is the first non-American in the history of The Dwarves. I mention this because he’s now been fired and replaced with someone better. We tried to be inclusive and modern by taking pity on a foreigner, but his issues with Fecal Urgency Syndrome had been inhibiting his performance for months now. Finally, at a truck stop in New Jersey, our new drummer Forest Shittaker waylaid the European with a case of TUMS and the promise of free dental care.
Bottom line, Dutch is out, Forest is in, and we’re now 100 percent American again. I couldn’t be happier. And since Forest is multi-racial, Maximum Rocknroll has agreed to do a feature article on us lauding our newfound inclusiveness and sensitivity. (I didn’t have the heart to tell them that by “multi-racial,” we meant he’s Polish.)
Fetish rockers GASH opened the show and came onstage to whip me during our stripper anthem “You Gotta Burn.” I can’t stand pain unless I’m inflicting it, so I tried to get the singer’s shirt off and she dared me to take my dick out. Clearly, she didn’t know I had no shame. Check the back of our new Fat Wreck single if you don’t believe me.
Even limp, I beat all the rest of the old punk singers combined. Let them have the adoration of politically correct teenagers, let them roll in t-shirt money, let them slavishly imitate The Clash and Social D, I’ve still got the best cock in rock ‘n’ roll! Even though I insisted they airbrush my whitening chest hair, that cock pic is completely unenhanced by technology. Can you say, “Desperate for attention”?
Thanks to Steve and Mojo for the show. They assure me that Wilmington will be a major tour destination soon, but my money’s still on Camden, New Jersey.
Mar 17 – Richmond, Va. – Wonderland (SOLD OUT)
Can you really brag about selling out a venue that holds 12 people? If you’re us, you can. Derek from Creep-A-Zoids is a bad influence, causing me to drink my first shot since 1992. Then I had five more. I hate drinking and I never do it, but it felt good. The drugs felt even better. Special thanks to Chad for helping me destroy myself in the lung cancer capitol of North America. Good looking out!
Mar 18 – Raleigh, N.C. – The Pourhouse
Our booking agent returned a phone call today, which made me very happy. Of course, the call was from 2013, but he’s a busy guy. His schizophrenia helps, because he can pretend to be his own receptionist. We congratulated him for booking us in a venue with a dressing room and a toilet. I felt just like Princess Margaret. Chip Fracture was so happy he even considered talking today, but instead, we opted for having the Fresh Prince repeat everything he had already said the night before.
This show was the best sound and the best crowd of the tour so far. I can’t even think of anything snotty to put here. After the show, I got a foofy salad and a tea. It turns out Raleigh is just like San Francisco, but with nice people in it. Dirty Souf Forever!
Mar 19 – Charleston, S.C. – The Tin Roof
The Tin Roof has heart aplenty, and we had a great show. Shout out to Will and the whole crew at Tin Roof for this one. Atom Age slayed the crowd, as did openers Space Fags. (I had no idea homosexuals had the ability to traverse the interstellar fundament, but now I know.)
Lloyd Nickell, CEO of FEAG films, showed up to try to talk me into doing a Dwarves documentary. True, he’s made a fortune in rape videos and snuff porn, but I think his thinking is too “in the box” on this project.
The seven-figure offer was tempting, but I refused. I think the Dwarves story is best told as a sweeping historical love saga à la “Gone With the Wind.” I’d be played by Brad Pitt and/or Angelina Jolie, HeWhoCannotBeNamed by the corpse of Heath Ledger, and Shia LaBeouf can be Rex Everything.
Forest Shittaker, Gregory Pecker, Fresh Prince Of Darkness, Chip Fracture, Sgt. Saltpeter, Vadge Moore, Marky Desade, Dutch Ovens, Eric Valentine, Tazzie Bushweed, and Andy Now will be played by the 1997 Stanford Women’s Softball Team to keep the budget down. Look for trailers before the next “Transformers” epic.
Mar 20 – San Juan, Puerto Rico – Club 77
Puerto Rico is full of hot babes and sandy beaches. I’m moving here immediately to work at Kevin from Turbo AC’s pizza joint. I’ll be in charge of comparing my penis favorably to the pepperoni.
Jose Javier and Kristin Fink were the ideal hosts, and because this is P.R., cocaine was never far from our nostrils. During the song “Free Cocaine,” the local dealer even got onstage and handed out free samples, just as the cops walked in to stop two Americans from fighting. (Never trust a white dude with dreadlocks.) Shout out to Necronazis, Diente Perro, and Los Pepiniyoz, and to our special guest Fabio who sang “Fuck You Up and Get High!”
Mar 21 – Orlando, Fla. – Backbooth
Any chance to be in the same room with The Queers and Richie Ramone is a good one, even if it means going to Florida. The crowd was wild, the night was hot and sweaty, and my old bones are creaking like a ghoul at Disney’s haunted mansion. It’s been a wild tour. The Dwarves are bloodied, but unbowed as we continue our worldwide The Dwarves Invented Rock & Roll juggernaut of shows.
Special thanks to Recess, Fat Wreck, Burger, Riotstyle, and all the other labels who fly the Dwarves banner. I dedicate this diary to Lisa Root, the best looking editor in rock, and to my friends and accomplices in the greatest rock ‘n’ roll band of all time—THE DWARVES!