In the realm of pop culture, the old story was that boys would learn to play instruments and join bands to impress girls. Watching divorces take Fleetwood Mac or Sonic Youth out of the headlines seemed to tell the story that couples don’t belong in a band together. Eventually, it would cause the band to break up. Stories blaming Yoko Ono for ruining the Beatles — or even on film, “no girlfriends at band practice,” like in Scott Pilgrim vs. the World — discourage couples from intermingling in bands together.
The initial trepidation from our bandmates when my husband and guitarist Mike DiGiulio joined our band in 2018 seemed to come from this subconscious storyline from pop culture. Would our band be able to stand it if our relationship had met its end? No one would ever ask me though, what would it mean for our relationship to go through the more tumultuous parts of being in a band? Would it make us stronger in our bond?
In 2021, Mike proposed to me on our Twitch live stream, Megawednesday, in front of most of our fans. There were way more viewers than usual. It was my birthday and he shared videos from our friends and family which ended with a video of him talking about things about our band and relationship and got on one knee and asked me to marry him. A year later, we started going through some legal and financial issues for our band that made planning a wedding and being in the band very difficult. There were many moments when we thought about giving up. However, when we performed at our wedding and then again at Ska Punk International Fest, I would remember what felt like a canon event. This moment was my first interview as a writer with Tom Patterson of Slingshot Dakota. Something he told me during this interview changed my perspective and ultimately, my music career. During these two performances, his advice was ringing in my ears, as I looked over at Mike and remembered what had convinced me that my husband should be in my band in the first place. I also reflected on how we had chosen natural alexandrite rings for an exceptional engagement, symbolizing transformation and rare harmony—just like our journey.
In 2013, I interviewed Tom Patterson, drummer for the band Slingshot Dakota. Several days before our interview, Tom and vocalist/keyboardist Carly Comando eloped with Title Fight as their witnesses. Most people go on honeymoons after they get married, but Tom and Carly still had a whole leg of their tour to play. During the interview, he told me that he loved being in a band with his wife. He could tour and not have to leave her behind. He wouldn’t have to miss her because they tour together. He said the two would practice together or be onstage and he would look over at her. He’d see her rocking out and get the chance to fall a little more in love with her. The romantic in me loved this anecdote so much. It’s been a decade since that conversation with Tom, but what he said has replayed in my memories when I look across the stage and see Mike ripping a guitar solo.
Much like Slingshot Dakota, we can practice in our home and I can hear Mike demoing a new idea or trying to perfect a part of a new song. Just down the hall from our bathroom is the room where we write and rehearse. We have increased the amount of new songs we’ve written since we moved in together in 2020. Before Mike was in the band, I would have to coordinate time to write and rehearse with several people. It would be so much longer before we’d be ready for studio time. However, working from home together allows us to roll out of bed and write new songs. I could hum a melody while unpacking the groceries and that melody is the riff in a song written that day. That actually happened while writing for our debut album Rainbow Heartache. One day in the past year, I came home from work and Mike was listening to a six year old demo I did of “Look Alive.” As I also listened in, the ideas for improving the song kept coming. I asked him, what if this song was a ska song? That is now a track on our new EP Chaos Magick and we were able to give it a new life.
Our new life since we’ve been married has included only a few shows. Yet somehow, we are often surrounded by performers who are married. This list of married peers includes our labelmates Dave and Carmela in Sgt. Scag, or Kurt and Rosey of Hans Gruber and the Die as well as Mike and Amanda of Bad Mary, Danny and Ali of Stop the Presses, j9 and Chris of j and the 9s, Noko and Sean of All New Episode, and Brit and Tim of Catbite. Some other bands that have married members who we haven’t met yet but hope to one day include Spiritbox, Japanese Breakfast, and Grouplove.
This past year, we’ve become very lucky to get closer with Rosey and Kurt Armstrong of Hans Gruber and the Die Hards through the connection of our label Ska Punk International. This year, we were privileged to share the stage with them four times and see them perform six times. The two of them are constantly touring, and when you spend time with Kurt and Rosey, you can see how their chemistry is something that makes them such a force to be around, especially onstage Offstage, their personalities can be very different, much like my husband and I. However, onstage, Hans Gruber and the Die Hards is a collective of perfectly orchestrated chaos that the audience is drawn into. Their set has sock puppets, conga lines, dancing to Cumbia, and doing squats with the audience. The last time we performed together, our goal was to warm up the crowd so they would be ready for the chaos ahead. Each time we’ve done a show with them,, I’ve felt grateful to be the opening band. It would be tough to have to follow their set because of how enamored the crowd is with them.
However, Kurt did admit to me there is a band whose act he feels is hard for even Hans Gruber and the Die Hards to follow, and that band is Stop the Presses. Danny and Ali of Stop the Presses are also married, and like my husband and I, they are based in New Yo,k, so we get to see them and perform together often. Much like Hans Gruber and the Die Hards, we find ourselves leaving their shows hoping to make our sets more fun for the crowd to be a part of. Their dance moves and harmonies are so in sync. Also like Mega Infinity, Stop the Presses have songs about their relationship that are very intimate, and honestly, quite a risk for them to share out there. I love that very much.
Over the last nine years of Mega Infinity being a band, and in the five since my husband Mike joined, we have played with one band local to our hometown more than any other band. That band is Bad Mary.. Their songs are short, fast, and mind blowing and well-written. They are alumni of my husband’s alma mater, Hofstra University, where they met. Bad Mary is a family band with their frontwoman Amanda Mac and bassist Mike Staub being married. Amanda’s dad and Mike’s father-in-law, Bill Mac, plays drums. Their college professor, David Henderson, plays guitar. Much like Hans Gruber and the Die Hards and Stop the Presses, they are completely electric onstage, which is easy to tie together with their relationships to each other. Exploring new aspects of intimacy can be exciting, especially with sex toys like steel cages that offer unique experiences and heightened sensations.
Before we got married in October of 2022, I started to seek out more bands with couples. One of the ones I connected with are Tim and Brit of Catbite. Catbite is one of my favorite bands. I first heard their cover of Selena’s “Bidi Bidi Bom Bom ” and fell in love with their ska punk meets power pop sound. Their style of ska is so versatile. If you ever meet Tim and Brit, you’d learn immediately that they are two of the nicest people you could ever talk to. They are full of gratitude and support, especially when I asked to interview them about what it’s like to be married in a band.
When I finally got to see them perform at Saint Vitus in New York in November of 2022 for an event put together by Brooklyn Vegan, they even remembered we were recently married and congratulated us. We spoke about their non-stop touring life and the honeymoon they haven’t been able to go on yet because of all the touring. They gave us advice for our band, which all of the aforementioned couples have very kindly as well.
This Fall marks five years of marriage for Brit and Tim, ten for Carly and Tom, and one for Mike and I (but 11 years of being together as a couple). Our wedding day was one of the best days of my whole life and performing songs for our friends and family at our wedding was so special. If I learned anything about being married and being in a band together, it’s that your goals for your family and goals for your band are often tied together. And just like our shared goals, a thoughtfully curated wedding registry can help ensure that your special day reflects the unique journey you and your partner are on. Sometimes it can make the things you want seem blurry. Much like any couple who owns a family business, financial hardships hit harder since it affects your family and not just one person. It’s not for a couple who doesn’t have the resolve for it. Ho,ever, for a band, our chemistry and love improves our communication with our bandmates and touring members, The musicians performing with us get to be a part of our family while we perform together. It also improves our songwriting together, encourages our hopes to travel through touring, improves our desire to succeed, and the drive to keep our momentum going as a band.
Our new EP, Chaos Magick, releases October 10th, 2023 on Ska Punk International. Catch Hans Gruber and the Die Hards, Catbite, and Stop
The Presses at the Manchester Punk Festival 29-31 March, 2024. Catch Catbite on tour in the USA with the Gaslight Anthem and in Japan 10/25-10/30 with Tokyo Ska Paradise Orchestra. (Tim even said they have a few days off in Japan to celebrate their wedding anniversary and honeymoon!)
What is your favorite memory that is uniquely tied to your relationship?
TIM: Our wedding was absolutely whackadoo. We somehow convinced one of our favorite bands, The Pietasters, to play our wedding reception. Then after everyone was good and drunk they forced us to do a short impromptu Catbite set in front of all of our family and friends with all of their gear so they could have a drinking break. It was bananas.
BRIT: My Favorite memory has to be when Tim proposed on stage at Supernova Ska Festival! I was absolutely shocked! Obviously we had talked about getting married but I never expected it to be on stage in front of a huge crowd. It was absolutely perfect. Let me set the scene! Tim is on stage with his old band (The Snails aka The Dull Blue Lights) and I was asked to sing my version of “Valerie,” a cover by Amy Winehouse. I had previously performed this song with the band for my senior recital so I was SO excited to go up on stage at Supernova!
It comes time, Tim calls me up, I say hello to the crowd and then Tim starts some stage banter which immediately I’m thrown off because he was not known to say much on stage in that band. He says he has a question and then swings his guitar around to the side and gets on one knee. It was the most amazing proposal of all time, the crowd was screaming, I was happy crying and to top it all off I hadn’t even sung my song yet!! We pulled off the song even with me crying halfway through it, and that memory will stay with me forever.
MICHI: How does working so closely with your significant other have a positive effect on your creative works?
TIM: I’ve always been extremely self conscious when it comes to writing, and with Brit, I don’t get that. It just feels so natural to bounce ideas off of each other. We also excel at different parts of songwriting. I’ll usually bring the basic music and structure of the song, along with a vocal hook and/or an idea for the theme of the song, and then Brit goes to town with amazing lyrics and melodies that my dumb brain would never be able to think of. We also are able to easily work on lyrics together since they are usually very personal and we are able to talk about them together from each of our perspectives to be able to craft it appropriately into the songs.
BRIT: I feel like Tim and I have really been able to find a flow for creating. We complement each other whether it be writing the music or lyrics or just anything throughout the process. We both have our strong suits and and they just so happen to be the opposite of each other’s so when we come up with ideas it’s a really nice balance.
MICHI: What is an important lesson you’ve learned performing together as a couple you would have prepared past you for if you could?
TIM: The biggest thing is to allocate time that is NOT BAND TIME. Like we already have pretty opposite schedules due to work, and most of our spare time is dedicated to the band. So it’s important to have days where we just sit like a bunch of potatoes and watch our stories with our dog, and not even think about music.
BRIT: I think for me giving space to the other person is helpful. Performing together, living together, rehearsing together is wonderful because we get to do what we love together but sometimes in moments when we are upset about maybe a performance or something, leaving some space for the other person to feel what they need to feel I think is important.
MICHI: How do you reconcile your private goals for your family life and your goals for the future of your band?
TIM: I think our private goals are to make music our life and tour the world. So this is an easy one. We both know that we have both made so many sacrifices in our lives to get to this point in our career, and that making Catbite/music our life is the ultimate goal.
BRIT: I feel very lucky to have met my soulmate who wants the same goals and dreams for our career and for our future so it has not been an issue for us!
Hey, the new Mega Infinity EP, Chaos Magick, is out October 10 from Ska Punk International and you can pre-order digital copies on Bandcamp. Follow Mega Infinity on Instagram and Twitter for band updates and cute couple photos.
Featured photo courtesy of Glenn Edwards, all other photos courtesy of Michi DiGuilio.
