Suck Cocks in Hell
My name is Rhonda Hornacek and I’m writing to you today to discuss this awful band “Poophumper” and their god awful heavy metal “music” that’s polluting my home.
I first discovered this awful band while cleaning out my son Geoffrey’s room. I was going through items under his bed and found a box marked “pryvut! keep owt.” The box was actually padlocked shut, but it was nothing my husband’s Husqvarna chainsaw couldn’t handle. Once I opened the box, I found normal teenager stuff like cigarettes, nudie mags, a bag of baking soda and something called a “water pipe”, so initially I wasn’t alarmed…that is until I found a cassette tape from this awful band “Poophumper. The first thing that caught my eye was their awful logo designed to look like a swastika, but what really got my blood bubbling was seeing the title “Suck Chickens In Heck” with song titles like “Acid Bath” and “Smash Your Skull”…what kind of evil has overtaken my home?!
After discovering this god awful noise, I immediately marched down to Spazz Records, my local record store and demanded to speak with the owner and ask why he sold my son such garbage. Though the owner wasn’t there, the person behind the counter–whom I can only describe as a post apocalyptic hellion with her green hair and a shirt from some evil band called “Volcom” and a nametag that said “Chasity,” said: “I’m sorry ma’am, we don’t sell cassettes here. Maybe he bought it on the internet”. I assured Chasity that I was not pleased with her demeanor and I stormed out the door so she could go back to reading her book about “trigonometry,” which also sounds like evil gobbledygook. I then marched down to my son’s school demanding to speak to him, but apparently he was out sick that day. Oh my poor baby, I hope this devil music didn’t make him sick! I’ll sue!
Later that day, I finally found my sweet baby boy hanging out with some friends near the river. When I showed up, Geoff quickly scurried out of a car in which smoke came pouring out of… ugh, this humidity can be so awful. I held up the tape and said, “Geoffrey, I demand to know why such a sweet little angel like you is listening to evil filth called ‘Poophumper’?! Also…are you okay, baby? They said you called in sick to school!” He then looked at me and said “Ugh mom, go away! I’m fine,” to which I replied “Geoffrey Hornacek, you know better than this! You are 13 years old! Why would you listen to such evil music ?! You’re a good boy!” and he said “Ugh mom… whatever, go home and make me some Dorito fish stick casserole…” I quickly left to make my baby some food, but in that moment one thing was clear to me…. this evil music was ruining my poor baby!
On the way home, I decided to pop the tape in to my minivan’s tape deck and see what kind of filth my son was listening to. The sounds that greeted me were the worst I’ve ever heard! It sounded like some kind of fast, evil, dirty rock n’ roll with fast drumming that made them sound like evil punks. The sound was very lo-fi and gritty. The front of the tape said it sounds like “A mix of the rock n’ roll fury of Motorhead, the evil lo-fi of early Venom and the slime and grit of Midnight”. I think the album could also be summed up by just the title of the song “Rock n’ Roll Freaky Dudes,” which is appalling because my sweet Geoffrey certainly should not be listening to rock n’ roll, especially the kind played by freaky dudes!
If there are any other parents reading this, please heed my warning: DO NOT LET YOUR CHILDREN LISTEN TO POOPHUMPER! IT WILL RUIN THEIR SOULS AND CAUSE THEM TO GET SICK AND MISS SCHOOL! PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD GIVE YOUR CHILDREN A CHANCE TO SUCCEED AND KEEP THEM AWAY FROM THIS GARBAGE!
Rhonda Hornacek, a concerned parent
ALSO, don’t purchase the album here: