Lowering The Bar: We Are All Savages

In April of 2015, I found myself traveling again through the Denver metropolitan area. On one of my long drives through horrible rush hour traffic back to the hotel I was living in for the week, I was on the phone with my father. Mid conversation, I heard him peeing on the phone (not actually urinating onto the phone itself, but just attempting doing so the traditional way, into the toilet, while on phone). Mid stream, I heard him curse and exclaim that he had just pissed onto his foot. I realize that I have said time and time again that my parents give me hope for humanity, but at this moment, I started thinking that voluntary extinction may not be such a bad option.

As someone who occasionally pees standing up, I understand the struggle that we can, and often do, find ourselves in. Anyone who tells you that they never miss is a liar. I am going to repeat that in bold and underline it: everyone misses their target once in a while. Now that we have that laid out the basics, it is time to go into even further awkward detail and let you know that I generally sit down to use the restroom. I do so for a handful of reasons, the main one being that everyone misses, as I have underlined above. The secondary reason is that I have a slight obstruction, in the form of a piece of metal, protruding from my pee hole. The occasions that I do find myself attempting to piss while standing are exceptionally few and far between, and are due to the following: urinals, showers, someone’s house if I don’t particularly care for them, and the ever so infrequent sink. To explain the urinating habits of this awkward thirty-plus-year-old male, I figured I would explain the situations where I find it acceptable to just “stand and let loose” with a little more depth.

Urinals are fairly common, and just kind of make sense. The distance between the target and the floor is generally a lot closer than a standard toilet, so the margin for error is seemingly a lot less. Spillage can still occur, but generally urinals are not found in someone’s house, so I can walk away without someone noticing.

Showers are a place that, for some reason or another, people like to deny they actually use the restroom in. Mind you I don’t shit in the shower, but pissing in the shower is definitely part of my morning routine. Some may think it is disgusting. I just think it is efficient.

Someone’s house if I am not their friend/fan is pretty much a no brainer. If I have to go, then I go. I figure there is probably a 60/40 chance of making it into the desired target. Unlike Elvis Costello, my aim may not be true.

Lastly, and probably the one that I feel needs the largest explanation, is the pissing in sinks. I learned this technique from a colleague at Hohner, who informed me that sometimes when flying, he would just urinate into the sink on airplanes. I learned this one the hard way the one time I tried standing to pee mid flight. Airplanes are relatively sealed and their restrooms are doubly so. When you miss on an airplane, it all runs directly onto the floor, and subsequently your shoes. Like my father, you end up pissing on your own foot. Therefore, I opt to use the sink like it is a urinal for the slightly taller than average.

Feel free to judge me and my interesting personal habits. I have never claimed to be the smartest of the bunch. Anyone who has read any of my writing thus far can easily attest to that, but now that I have fully disclosed all of my exceptionally dumb and/or awkward places that I will pee, I can tell you without a doubt that anyone who stands to piss is clearly a savage. I will remove these things from my life eventually and I hope that mankind will be quick to follow. I appreciate everyone who is conscientious while making waste, so please, let’s all take a cue from the more civilized and start sitting down at all times when we use the restroom.

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