Ask The Mask #3: Blue and Green Answer Your Relationship Questions

Ask The Mask here:

I’m married but want to flirt with younger woman. Is it wrong? What’s the best way to go about doing this? Online flirting is the best. I don’t think I want a physical relationship, but definitely a 21st century digital relationship. I haven’t discussed this with my wife and I am sure she would not approve, but may be somewhat appreciative it wasn’t physical. Any suggestions? – RCM

Heya, RCM! In the world of crime, something is only wrong if you get caught doing it. And even then, you might get off on a technicality if you’ve got a slick enough lawyer. If you’re found not guilty, then the question of right and wrong doesn’t apply, cause you’re innocent! And if you’re found guilty, that’s not even fair, cause you’re innocent! The point is, if you do something wrong, always remember to insist that it wasn’t you if you get caught. And, if you get away with it, it wasn’t even wrong in the first place.

Plus, from what I hear, most of the flirty young girls on the internet are actually pervy old dudes in disguise. Try telling your wife that you want to go online and flirt with some sweaty, overweight molester types that get off on pretending to be hot young coeds. She might be cooler with that. Or, you might get hit with a frying pan, which would be hilarious. I mean, it would suck for you at the time, but you could laugh about it later. Plus, you could videotape it and send it to America’s Funniest Home Videos! Is that still a thing? Cool!


I’m a barista at a local (to me) coffee shop. There’s a very very pretty girl that comes in every day and we seem to have a good vibe between us. How can I tell if it’s real attraction or if she’s just being nice? Also found her on Facebook and not sure if I should message her or if that would creep her out. Thoughts? –Mike W.

If romantic comedies have taught me anything, it’s that there’s only one way to handle this sort of thing. You have to show her how you feel, and you have to go big. An over-the-top expression of your love might inspire her to like you back. Messaging her on Facebook could be a start, but you wanna make sure not to mince words. Tell her that you love her, and that you wrote a song for her. Then, write a kick ass song for her (you can do this first if you want). Sing her the song at the coffee shop when it’s really busy, to maximize the effect. All the patrons will applaud and look on silently as the romance ensues. Your coffee breath will dance with hers as she draws in to kiss you, and you two can hop on to your bikes and ride off into the sunset! Or, maybe she will walk out and never talk to you again. Fingers crossed, I guess! Good luck!


Dear Masked Intruder,
There’s a really cute girl that I have a huge crush on in one of my college classes, but I can’t tell if she’s into me. One time she put way too much lotion on her hands and then announced it to me and asked if I wanted some. All I could do was stare at her until someone had to speak up for me and say I didn’t want any. But, I really did want some, more than all the pizza in the world. Now she doesn’t talk to me. So, am I going to die alone or what? –Reef Weaver

Looks like you got yourself a case of awkward dork syndrome (ADS). People like you are doomed to be bumbling, nervous fools whenever a crush is near. It’s an all-too-common affliction, one with which I have struggled for many years! Living with ADS can be tricky, and there is no known cure. Drinking might help, but professors usually frown on student’s bringing cocktails or what have you to class. Then again, an entire bottle of wine will fit into one of those big cups from Starbucks. I’ll let you work out the math on that one, Mr. College.

As far as this particular girl is concerned, you may have blown it, but maybe not. They say you only get one chance to make a first impression, but that’s not always true. There was that one movie where Drew Barrymore forgot everything every day. Maybe this girl is like that. Like, has amnesia or something wrong with her brain or whatever. Drew Barrymore is soooo pretty. Anyways, try talking to her and being cool. I realize that asking someone living with ADS to be cool around their crush is like asking a dog to fly, but you have to try! Besides, Air Bud was a dog, and he had mad hops! Cool!


So there’s this kid … and I never knew who he was until this school year. He seems like the most coolest and chillest guy and all I want to do is be friends with him! I’m sure he doesn’t even know I exist and it’s driving me crazy on how easy it looks to just approach him and spark up a convo. Sadly, I’m known as the shy, quiet girl wholistenstoweirdmusic in school and I’m scared shitless. But lucky enough I saw this and you are a bunch of talented, amazing dudes, why not ask for advice? Tell me how guys would want a girl to approach them :—(

-Love, Rose

(PS. I literally found out about your band yesterday and u guys are freakin amazing. it was like love at first heard)

Thank you for the complement Rose. I love you too. It’s a little difficult to imagine how I’d like a girl to approach me as it never really happens that way. Unless she’s a cop. Sometimes girl cops can be pretty but they usually aren’t approaching me to ask me out on a date if you know what I mean. But that’s neither here nor there.

If this guy is really so easy to talk to you could maybe use this opportunity to break out of your shell a little. I always say ‘go big or go home.’ In this case you could just go to his home and talk to him there. You can find out where he lives by following him after class. Then wait until night time to introduce yourself. This will allow you to feel more comfortable because it’s dark and if things don’t go well you can run away and hide easier. Make sure he’s all alone so you have his full attention. The bushes near his house are a good place to wait. I know if it was me I’d like the girl to just start kissing me while she introduced herself because dudes love to get kissed by pretty girls. This will save time and will help make a great first impression. If he’s not into you after that then I don’t know what’s wrong with the guy. Good luck!


Say…. How’d you fellow criminal types meet? Was it after some big job that went wrong? –Sammy

I guess you could say that. We met in prison. We wouldn’t have been there if something hadn’t gone wrong. I mean, wrong with the criminal justice system, which is stupid. Anyways, this is an advice column, not a ‘stories about us column’. Here’s my advice to you Sammy: don’t get caught. And, if you do get caught, try to make the best of your time in the pen. And then, you know, escape if you can.


So, a couple of days ago, out of the blue, this girl contacted me on Facebook. We have a couple of mutual friends, but I have never met her. We’ve been talking a bunch and she has been super forward about liking me and wanting to meet up. She’s real cute and has a fun personality, but I’ve still not actually met her and I’m honestly kinda caught off guard by the whole situation. Whudamigunnado? –Brad

Holy shit dude! Maybe I should be asking you for advice! Unless it’s one of those Facebook girls who just wants you to look at her website. They’re always really pretty but no matter how much money I pay on their website I can never get them to actually meet me. If I were you, I would try to meet up with her and see if she wants to make out. I would do the same thing if I were me, actually, which I am. So, if you wanna pass on her info, that would be sweet. Thanks, Brad!


I really like this lady and I am not sure what to steal to win her heart? In your experiences, what are some good things to show a lady you really care? –Goldsmall

I like your style Goldsmall. I think you’re definitely already on the right track with trying to decide what to steal to win a girl’s heart. The truth is you can steal all sorts of things to show a girl you love her. It really depends on the type of girl she is. Most girls like flowers but some are into more practical things like maybe a knife for the kitchen. Or, if she’s into crime, a knife would help for that too. Or, how about a nice sandwich? Something you may not know about sandwiches: they’re delicious! Happy stealing!


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