TLDR: Highlights From Ben Weasel’s Manual For The Apologetic

By Tyler Gibson

Like most of you, if something is longer than 2 paragraphs, I just tend to ignore it. But when Ben Weasel opens his mouth (or rather takes enough Aleve to fight through the carpal tunnel to write a novella) I fucking listen.This time, he extends some helpful tips to another aging punker in need of some damage control, Fat Mike. You all know the story, but may not have seen that Mr. Mike himself had squashed any and all beef with the kid who received a doc to the face via Twitter. According to Mr. Weasley however, that’s not the way to go about it. Here’s the condensed version of what was pretty much a long, drawn out read with very few moments of “hah, that was funny.” Hopefully by dumping the filler, we can actually find meaning in this without having to give our full attention cuz ain’t nobody got time fo dat.

These are direct quotes straight from the weasels mouth. Nothing has been embellished.

This formerly beloved, adored, highly respected gentleman was suddenly public enemy number one!”

At one point you couldn’t tell Ben Weasel and Don Draper apart. That was until one of them punched a woman. And no, it wasn’t the mid century, fictional womanizer.

You and I both know this sort of thing barely registered a blip on the radar in punk not so long ago, but times have changed, my friend.”

Yes, Ben, it was MUCH easier back in the day to be a shithead without the internet getting all over your back.

Hey, she had like six inches on me; I thought she was a giant condor.”

I’ll admit, I laughed at that. I just wish Ben Weasel’s passive aggressive attempts at trying to remain relevant would fall into a state of non-existence, much like the beloved California Condor.

I apologized once and then dropped it, but I’m Ben Weasel”

No comment.

if you were me, you could play the heel and use this situation to your advantage; I’m currently making more money and playing in front of larger crowds than ever before.”

Because Screeching Weasel and NOFX have consistently been selling equal amounts of records, selling out equal amounts of shows globally and have pretty much been neck and neck with each other since inception. A true rivalry for top dog if I’ve ever seen it.

Accept that people are going to wish cancer on your kids, claim that you beat your wife, and announce that they hope your children end up doing donkey porn. Trust me brother, I’ve been there.”

No child tells their parents they are doing donkey porn for a living. A bad threat on those peoples part.

I recommend the Mossberg Persuader. Hell of a shotgun. The great thing about the Persuader is it’s got a pistol grip. Easy as pie. Seriously, the guys from Teenage Bottle Rocket could operate it (if they had opposable thumbs).” 

Alright… Not going to touch this one. Hopefully there’s no more gun talk about to happ…….

If you fire this fucking thing within about twenty yards of your target you’re going to obliterate it and everything around, behind and possibly underneath it. I’m pretty sure it even destroys things in other dimensions when fired.”

Welp.

And, as a backup, get yourself an English Bulldog. Unlike a pit bull, they won’t tear your kid’s face off when you pop out for a loaf of bread, but they will savagely attack an interloper.”

Nothing like a bit of pre-trained directed animal violence to calm things down.

The idea that painkillers and a sore neck made you commit a felonious attack on a friendly stranger is a bit of a stretch. You need to prove you’re a walking disaster – you need to do your 28 days.”

The first real good advice you’ve given that didn’t involve donkey sex, a gun or attack dogs.

If it’s not documented on YouTube, it didn’t happen.”

Said Ben Weasel to the jury.

Your offer to buy him a beer was hopelessly lame. Come on.”

At least he didn’t apologize by immediately punching another woman in the kidney.

Chin up, Fatty – great art can come from this… So welcome to the Carnival of Schadenfreude, Fat Mike. The bad news is, you’re stuck here for the rest of your life. The good news? You’ve got me for a seatmate, you lucky duck, you!”

At least there’s a bright side, Mike. At least…. there’s a bright side.

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