The hottest thing to drop this summer is not going to be a mixtape. The most refreshing sounds on the airwaves will not be coming from the radio. They’re going to come from the deadliest product to ever splash in your mouth.
And it’s name is water.
Not just any ordinary water. It’s Liquid Death Spring Water.
You see, water is incredible. Not only does it hydrate you, it is an incredible liquid that can also be the deadliest thing on the planet.
Water is so dangerous it doesn’t even think about saving your life when you are drowning. Water kills more people than all of history’s serial killers combined, especially when it’s dirty. And if the polar ice caps melt… nevermind that thought. We have to make sure we drink all the clean water before it comes to drink us.
Water has been here far longer than the human race, and it is attracted to everything… even itself. This process is called cohesion, and it is about to blow your mind. You see, the molecules in water are opposites, meaning Hydrogen is electropositive, while Oxygen is electronegative. Ever wondered how water can build itself upwards? It’s magic, duh. Ever wondered how water droplets can stick to most surfaces? It’s pure wizardry.
And now, that same deadly, magical water comes in a can. Liquid Death Spring Water promotes keeping the environment clean so water can run rampant. But enough from me. Watch this highly informational video about how Liquid Death Spring Water will kick your parched ass and read our interview with the founder of thirst-murdering, Mike Cessario, below.
Liquid Death Spring Water will be available in June.
Order Your Liquid Death Spring Water RIGHT NOW
If Liquid Death Spring Water was an album or band (being loud and dangerous), who would it be?
Bruno Mars dancing his ass off to Cannibal Corpse.
Isn’t it refreshing when you take a good gulp of water? What happens when you drink Liquid Death? Is it like an explosion?
Liquid Death Spring Water doesn’t just refresh your body, it murders your Thirst. Once it enters your Thirst, it first eats through your Thirst’s stomach and you will be pleasantly surprised to feel your Thirst’s intestines spill out onto the floor, this is how you know the murder of your Thirst has begun. You will soon feel Liquid Death begin to form a rope of veins that will wrap around your Thirst’s head and strangle it. Once Liquid Death reaches your Thirst’s brain, all your Thirst’s memories will be replaced with repeating loops of its own head imploding, which is exactly what happens next by it causing your Thirst’s head to implode and its brain to squirt out of its ears. Once your Thirst has been murdered, and its dead body lies on the floor, the soul of your Thirst will begin to escape and float towards the ceiling. At this point, drink a second sip of Liquid Death to pull its soul back down and force it to begin glueing its own body parts together so that it can crawl back inside you and eventually grow back into a fully formed Thirst once again.
Mind going into your background and how that interested you in being a brand creator?
Grew up in the (Newark) Delaware and Philly punk/hardcore scene of the late 90’s. Dillinger Escape Plan, Burn the Priest/Lamb of God, Boysetsfire, Lifetime, Joshua Fit for Battle etc. 80’s skateboard decks got me into art, and 90’s punk scene got me into graphic design making band merch. Design is kinda the punk career path. I eventually transitioned more specifically into advertising because I liked making funny/clever corporate art more than pretty/perfect corporate art. Plus advertising pays a fuck ton.
But as a punk kid who grew up reading Noam Chomsky, I never really fit the corporate ad world, even though I was good at it. So after 10 years of climbing the ranks helping giant corporations make their products famous, I finally decided I’d rather invest myself into a product I actually give a shit about. More specifically, a truly healthy beverage brand that can help fund NSFW artists and musicians that most healthy brands (or giant corporate brands) would be too afraid to associate themselves with. For instance, one of our co-owners is Will Carsola, artist and creator of the hilarious Adult Swim show Mr. Pickles about a satanic dog who dismembers strippers and fucks bears.
In 2018 it’s brutal hard work making a great living with music or art that doesn’t have generic mass appeal. Unless you want to be owned by a giant energy drink company and promote their crap to kids. It’s why we don’t just sponsor musicians and artists, we allow them to actually own a piece of the company. But at the end of the day, we just want to make people laugh and not take ourselves too seriously.
How important is staying hydrated vs. staying energized?
Water actually gives you energy. In fact, most of the time when you feel like shit, it’s because you’re dehydrated. And everyone knows that drinking sugary crap just makes you crash and have less energy. But we will never be some preachy health brand telling you not to drink caffeine or sugar. And it’s not news to anyone that energy drinks and soda are unhealthy. I drink coffee and alcohol every day. As do most people. But most of us don’t drink near enough water either. You need to hydrate with water to offset the dehydration from caffeine, alcohol, and snorting anthrax.
What have you been listening to this year?
Power Trip Nightmare Logic on repeat. With some Sturgill Simpson in between.
Artwork by Will Carsola
