Growing up in Ohio will prepare you for the biting cold and snow that you can only experience around the Great Lakes, or perhaps on the arctic tundra. I remember going to school on numerous days when the snow banks were easily seven feet high, and temperatures were significantly below zero. It always could have been worse, but that was remarkably close to my own version of hell. It wasn’t uncommon to get snow as early as Halloween and as late as May. Chock this one up as another reason I knew I had to leave the state as soon as humanly possible.
I currently reside in Richmond. Living in Virginia has been an amazingly memorable experience. At the time of this story, I was managing a couple of stores for a smallish clothing chain called Up Against The Wall. My normal commute to the mall was about fifteen to twenty minutes, but on this day, I woke up to find that the sky had opened up and dumped 6-10 inches of frosted goodness on my fair city. So, I left for work an hour early, just to be on the safe side. In Ohio, the snow would have been expediently plowed and caused no significant delays, but in Virginia, we do things a little differently. There are exactly three and a half snow plows in the entire city of Richmond. At any given time, two and a half of them are broken down, so the city leaves the responsibility of all of its citizens resting firmly on the shoulders of this sole plow. Due to this careful city planning, it took me close to the entire hour to get to the mall. When I arrived, I saw the giant green monster plowing the entrance to the mall, and I honestly thought that day was going to be my lucky day.
In Ohio, when it snowed, they would have put salt down on the roads to help keep it from freezing over as it was being plowed. But, in Virginia, their thought process isn’t quite as evolved, so if they put anything down, the best we end up with is sand. Anyone who has driven here knows exactly how little this actually does to help the drivers. Well, on this (what would turn out to be) not so lucky day, I was slowly coasting down the sandy entrance towards the mall, and hit a small patch of ice. Before I knew what exactly was happening, my car slid into the snowy embankment the plow had left at the bottom of the entrance. My day was obviously starting off with the right foot forward. After calling my corporate head quarters to explain the situation, I relaxed with the blanket and book that I had stashed in my car, and waited to see what the day had in store for me. Shortly thereafter, I got a call from the mall letting me know not to bother coming in that day because they were closed.
An hour or two later, and only half awake, I was startled by a light rapping on my driver side window. I glanced over to see an older gentleman standing next to my door. I rolled down my window, and he asked if I could use a hand. By this time, I was freezing and a little lonely, so any and all help was appreciated. He had his truck parked behind my car, and together we got a chain attached to the rear axel. I put my car in neutral, and he hit the gas, but my car was too stuck for his truck to quite save the day. (Quick, and weirdly relevant interjection: during this period of my life, I had given up underwear completely. It started off as a joke one New Years. My resolution was to never wear underwear again. This joke went quite far from its original intent, and at one point I decided to get tattoos to cover most of the area that boxer shorts covered. I thought it was hilarious, and I thought that I would never again be plighted by the constraints that are underwear. Alas. I was wrong on so many levels. Okay, back to the story!) I thanked the nice stranger, and offered to thank his wife, who had been patiently waiting in the truck, for attempting to help save me from my snowy fate. Then, I noticed him glancing down towards my junk. Up until this moment, I hadn’t noticed how concentrated the cold was in certain areas, because it was really just freezing everywhere. I looked down to see what had grabbed his attention, and noticed that most, if not all, of my testicles were visible below a rip I wasn’t aware existed in the crotch of my jeans. He promptly told me it wouldn’t be necessary to thank his wife, and quickly walked back to his truck.
Thankfully, another hour or so later, a larger truck came and rescued me.