Interview with Masked Intruder vocalist/guitarist Intruder Blue | By Bridjet Mendyuk
If there’s one thing I love about this country, it’s fifths: pleading the fifth, drinking a fifth, and hoping one day I’ll become the fifth criminal in Masked Intruder. The pop punk gang of misfits are up to their ole’ shenanigans again with the upcoming release of their new EP, Love And Other Crimes, via Pure Noise Records. I spoke with vocalist and guitarist Intruder Blue to get some insight into their new album and what caliber of a criminal they’re looking for when bringing a +1 to the heist of the century.
Your new single is called “Take What I Want.” If you could steal one thing in the world and not get caught, what would you steal?
That’s very difficult to say; there’s so many different things in the world you might want and you might want different things at different times. One thing I have always wanted—and I think that it’s the truth for anyone who’s worked professionally as a thief, and it comes from seeing movies when you’re a kid, but one really huge diamond. That would be the ultimate thing to steal. The kind of one they keep on a pretty pillow in a glass case in a fancy museum.
And you have to use a laser to get it out.
Yeah, some kind of thing like that for sure. It’s not necessarily practical, because I don’t know what you’re going to do with it; pawn it or something? It seems like they would not have enough cash on hand to give you a fair value for it. So, maybe it’s better to be more practical and get something you could more easily sell.
How would you go about doing it?
I don’t even know where you track down something like that. Craigslist or something, but I’ve never seen nothing like that listed. That’s the problem with that, it’s unrealistic.
Okay. Well then, in your opinion, the perfect crime: what would it be and how would you go about doing it?
Well, that’s the thing. That’s like asking what’s the perfect piece of pie. Well, this one right now, but two hours from now, I’m going to want a different piece of pie. You might just like to eat a lot of pie. In a way, the perfect one is, like, you do a little job at the liquor store. It’s a nice place to rob, because you can get some money, but they got all this liquor. That cuts out the middleman in between taking the money to buy some liquor, if you get what I mean.
Yeah, I get it.
But, at other times, the perfect crime would be robbing a Burger King, because something you would want at that time would be flame broiled. They got the flame broiling machine back there, and if you were robbing a Burger King, you could flame broil whatever you want back there.
True, also their burgers are good.
Yeah, they’re not that good [laughs]. But, I figure that’s because they got a bunch of goofballs working back there, but if you were to get in there yourself and you were robbing the joint with free reign in the kitchen, you could do whatever you want. It could be a good time; it could be a good first date if you were on a date with someone who liked to rob a Burger King, which is rare.
What would your alibi be if the police questioned you?
Ideally, doing the best crime, you would evade the hands of the police. That’s the first step: you want to try to not get caught. Once you already got caught and got apprehended, you already lost half the battle right there. I’ve never been good with alibis, you know what I mean? For robbing a Burger King, I would maybe say they got my order wrong and I was really freaked out. I don’t know, I’m not a lawyer. The best way would be to not get in trouble and just get away. From that standpoint, it might be difficult to rob a Burger King, because there could be cops in any Burger King at any moment.
Or they might be at Dunkin’ Donuts…
Yeah, that’s true, because police love donuts. That’s true, people think that’s a stereotype, but it’s also true. Police just like any kind of junk food.
What about the getaway?
Quick would be the best kind of getaway, generally. The best type of getaway, I would try to escape down an alley. It’s important in cases with places that you want to rob that you look for a place by an alley. An alley is more like a cooler way to escape than just going out in the street. I don’t know if you’ve seen a rock ‘n’ roll photoshoot, but they’re always up against a brick wall in an alley; it’s kind of cooler.
Yeah, and you could hide behind a dumpster.
That’s the perfect place to hide too, because it’s just big enough to get behind there and just gross enough—nasty enough—for cops to be like, “I’m not going behind there.” You don’t want to hide inside the dumpster, though. Because it’s gross in there. Plus, you got your stuff with you and it’ll get all mixed up with the trash.
And then you’d retire, or would you have to chase that rush again to feel alive?
For me, crime is more its own reward. It’s very thrilling, it’s just fun to do it. It’s not about the money, although the money is very good to be honest. Crime can pay very well. I don’t think I could retire; maybe someday, when I’m old or whatever, but right now, it’s just a part of the lifestyle. Stealing is just fun. Some people drink coffee, some people steal stuff.
You guys are on tour for your new EP, Love and Other Crimes, and out on Warped Tour all summer. What have you most looked forward to?
I’ve looked forward to Warped Tour. Obviously, it’s a big thing, the tour is a big deal and it’s something that—a lot of people that are in bands thought about playing Warped Tour when they were kids. Now, it’s like, “Holy shit, we’re playing Warped Tour.” It’s also different than when we were kids, but this year, there’s a lot of bands that we know, bands that we toured with, bands that we’re friends with, bands that we like. Less Than Jake are our friends and Teenage Bottlerocket, they’re one of our best friend bands. They’re in a band, but they’re also our best friends. We’re really excited to be on that all summer and getting to be hanging out in all those cool parking lots in the heat, in a ski mask. We’re looking forward to that.
You’ll have to get the cool gel to put on under the masks.
That stuff you put on a sunburn? [Laughs] That sounds like it would be really uncomfortable. If you have that on underneath a ski mask, probably make you tear up and stuff. Then, kids will be thinking that you’re crying and that you’re in an emo band.
Hypothetically speaking, what would it take to be a fifth member of Masked Intruder?
You talking about you?
I mean… I can play tambourine and wear a pink mask.
Absolutely, we can do some robberies or whatever. Maybe we can hang out sometime and go to Burger King.
That would be great.