‘What My Bandmates Didn’t Realize’

My name is Tyler Ennis and I am the lead vocalist for Of Virtue, a metalcore band born out of Lansing, Michigan that has spent over a decade traveling the world thanks to our music. We’ve charted on Billboard, performed in over 35 countries across three continents, racked up over 85 million streams, and shared stages with bands we grew up idolizing. By every measure that exists in this industry, we are a success story living out dreams we’ve had since we have been teenagers.

The harsh reality is not everything appears as it may seem.

Beyond the lights of the stage, roar of the crowds, and the pure adrenaline rush of what we do, this life demands everything from you physically and mentally and will take so much more if you let it. The stage doesn’t care what’s happening inside of you and yet—You’re still expected to show up and give everything you have, every single night with no questions asked. You sacrifice holidays, special events, and more importantly—time—all to fulfill something that is greater than any of us can imagine on our own.

I struggle with low self-esteem/self image, depression, imposter syndrome, and in a lot of ways, never feeling worthy of the blessings that I have been able to partake in. I have had moments stepping onto a stage in front of thousands of people and all I could hear was the negative self-talk. The instance when someone comes up and says how my lyrics changed their life and yet, I am left wondering why I don’t have the same feeling from my own words. Driving down the road in the middle of the night, hearing the laughter and joy emanating throughout our group but growing resentful because I struggled to feel the same way.

I was suffocating in my own skin and at times, it felt like there was no way out.

What my bandmates didn’t realize.

There have been days and weeks on tour where I was drowning inside my own thoughts. I would do the best that I could to put on a happy face, load in, and act like everything was alright. We would finish soundcheck, and when everyone was in high spirits getting ready for the rest of the show, I would wander off because it was hard for me to feel that same joy. Even when we were playing, the crowd wasn’t enough to quell the voices that were screaming so loud in my head.

“Knowing Tyler for the better part of 15 years, I can tell when he is feeling off or going through it in his mind. He would disappear for hours on end after we soundcheck, may stay in his bunk sleeping on off days or stay preoccupied with his phone to occupy time. Tyler is not a good liar either—So whenever anybody would check in on him, he would say he’s doing alright (even though we can all clearly see that he isn’t).

“What I didn’t know at times were some the extremes going on in his life that were weighing on him. We are like brothers and tell each other it’s OK to be vulnerable and to let us know if you need anything. There can be points when even if we all know this, it’s still hard to open up because you don’t want to feel like a burden or poison the vibe if everyone else is having a good time.

“Right now, I am witnessing him undergoing a great transformation in all aspects of his life. He is putting in the work to understand his mental health, not concentrating solely on his flaws, and recognizing that no one is perfect. I am proud of him cutting out drinking and other addictive vices so he can maintain clarity, not relying on those things when he’s having a bad day or bad moments.”

– Mike Valadez, guitar in Of Virtue

“There have been many times that I have thought about giving up on this dream as a whole. My imposter syndrome and fear would take over and I would wonder out loud, ‘Do I deserve such an awesome privilege? There are far more talented people that wouldn’t mess this up.’ There’s even been times that I have felt like I am holding this band back from achieving its true potential.

“Tyler carries a distinct energy with him wherever he goes. Whether it be on stage, back stage or on the RV, a huge part of this band’s identity comes from him and his story. He is the heartbeat of what we do. He is selfless to a fault and is always making sure whoever is around him is happy or has what they need. If one of us seems down on any given day, he’s always there to check in. This also translates to his live show. He’s great at reading the room, gives the audience 150% every time he performs and doesn’t hide any emotion while he is on stage.”

– Ryan Trinh, drums in Of Virtue

What else my bandmates may have not realized.

They are a huge reason why I still have a love and passion for music. Even when it felt so dark that I couldn’t see the light myself, they’ve always reminded me to be my authentic self and that they are in my corner through thick and thin. I don’t need to pretend to be something I am not. Mistakes are mistakes and everyone makes them, failure is real but if you aren’t failing then you aren’t really giving it everything you have. They remind me that no one is perfect and that’s part of the beauty in what we do.

“To me, that is the essence of why this band was founded in the first place. When Mike and I started this, I was in a very dark place in my life and this band gave me purpose. Fast forward – I am proud of the man Tyler is and I am also proud of the evolution he is undergoing. We can be our own worst critics and I have been guilty at times with placing a lot onto his shoulders, not knowing if he was capable of shouldering the load but confident that he would figure it out.

“He is the heartbeat of this band, and we will go as far as he will take us. To some, that might seem like a daunting task. I believe that HE finally believes in his own strength, will and talent. The band name ‘Of Virtue’ was born out of striving to be the best version of yourself. Our group has persisted through so many obstacles and from now until the end of time, we are right there with him as he helps lead the way for us.”

– Damon Tate, vocals and guitar in Of Virtue

As long as we put one foot forward and keep moving, I have a chance to learn and get better with each passing day. I thank them every day for giving me a safe space to grow into who I believe I can be.

Follow Of Virtue on Facebook.